Blog Archives

Forget the Cowboy, Now There’s a Pirate in the Kitchen

This is a scene from Trinity. It takes place quite early on in the book. Ben, the protagonist, is staying at his ex-wife’s cottage in Wales. She is having problems with her second husband, and has followed Ben to the cottage. The scene takes place in the cottage’s kitchen, and features an appearance by Trinity, Ben’s imaginary friend, in his pirate persona.

This excerpt contains some bad language.


I pushed the empty plate away from me while it still had a pattern on it. “So, why are you here?”

“I was worried about you, Ben. The way you were yesterday, y’know, the state of your house, and all that talk about seeing your imaginary friend again. I thought I’d come down and see if you were okay. You don’t mind, do you?”

“No, of course I don’t mind. In fact, it’s great to see you.” It really was great to see her, especially the way she was dressed. She was wearing a figure-hugging dress that accentuated every curve of her body. “But what about Jack? Won’t he mind?”

“Jack’s out of town for a few days.” She pushed her chair back from the table and crossed her legs, causing the hem of her dress to ride up, and giving me a flash of thigh. “He doesn’t even know I’m here.”

If I had been sober, this was the point the alarm bells would be ringing, but I wasn’t sober, and I was enjoying the situation.

“In fact, no one knows I’m here, except for you and me.” She took my hand in hers. “And no one else needs to know, if you know what I mean.”

“I see.” I wondered what to do next. I was ninety-nine percent certain my ex-wife was seducing me, but there was always that one percent of doubt. What if I was wrong?

“And there’s something else.” Her voice had become almost a whisper. “What we did yesterday, y’know, in your lounge?”

“Er, yes.”

“I enjoyed it, and I’d like to do it again.”

One hundred percent, definitely one hundred percent!

“And you’d like to do it again, wouldn’t you, Ben?”

“Er, yes, of course I would.”

Helen stood up and reached behind her neck. “Good, I’m glad.” She shrugged her shoulders, undulated her hips, and the dress slid down her body to lie on the floor at her feet. “Do you like what you see?” She stood before me wearing some tiny scraps of cloth that just about passed as underwear.

“Arrhh, that do be a fine-looking wench,” Trinity said from behind me.

“Holy shit!” I jumped up out of my chair.

“Are you all right?” Helen said.

“Yes, I’m fine, great, er…” Say something. “Holy shit, you look fantastic.”

“Aren’t you going to take your clothes off too?”

Trinity had moved across the room and was standing behind her, ogling her bottom with his eye patch raised. “Arrhh, ’tis a sailor’s dream come true.”

“You mean you want to do it in the kitchen?” I said, keeping a close eye on Trinity, who was now crouching down behind her.

“Yes, why not? It’d be fun, don’t you think?” She wiggled her hips.

Trinity’s eyes looked like they were going to pop out of his head. “Man overboard, I’m going in.” His hands moved towards her bottom.

“Fucking hell, no!” I grabbed her arm and pulled her to me.

A look of alarm flashed in Helen’s eyes. “Ben, what’s wrong with you? You’re not developing Tourette’s syndrome, are you?”

“What? Er, no, I’m sorry. It’s a bit cold in the kitchen. Let’s go into the bedroom, it’ll be more comfortable in there.” I hustled her towards the kitchen door.

“Oh, okay, if that’s what you want.”

I opened the door and almost pushed her through it.

“My, you are in a hurry,” she said, and giggled.

I stared a couple of daggers at Trinity before following Helen’s bottom up the stairs, to the sound of Trinity’s laughter from the kitchen.